either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
