bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
wow bdsm is so cute
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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