why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We had to coat check the pizza.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
