I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
and she was petting her beer can
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
