Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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