his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
