If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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