I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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