I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I miss vodka workout Fridays
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
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