i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
