i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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