Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
