Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize