Swine flu. Run for my life!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
