I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
