if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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