CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
