Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize