My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
