Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
