dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
