before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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