I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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