You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
