Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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