Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
