I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
