Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Randomize
