Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Of course I have a pirate flag
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
