Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
