I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
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