I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Randomize
