Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
