respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
