My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
