two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
