My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
