i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Randomize
