her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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