the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize