I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
