So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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