mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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