I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
