Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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