omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Randomize
