1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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