I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
she woke up with a sticky ear
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
