time to smoke my breakfast
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
