also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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