Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My liver just had a heart attack.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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