i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
