i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
