Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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