When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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