somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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