She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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