lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
PANTIES FOUND
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize