he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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