You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Green mimosas i think yes
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
