uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
