Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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